


I Will Stay

by zeropercent (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Asphyxiation, Cutting, Death References, Dom/sub, M/M, Self-Harm, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-02
Updated: 2012-01-02
Packaged: 2017-10-28 18:52:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/311076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/zeropercent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Jared wants to tell him it’s okay to cry and scream and be broken.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Stay

The look on Jensen’s face when Jared tells him that he’s flattered Jensen has a crush on him but he thinks he’s straight is heartbreaking. His eyes tear up and his lower lip quivers and Jared feels like the biggest piece of shit in the world. “Jensen, I’m sorry.”

Jensen nods, his voice cracking as he says, “It’s fine.”

Jensen locks himself in his room for the rest of the day. Jared can hear him whimpering but doesn’t want to make things worse. So he leaves him alone.

X

The next morning, when Jared’s making coffee, Jensen wanders into the kitchen. His eyes are puffy and bloodshot and he grabs a beer from the fridge.

It’s way too early to be drinking and Jared asks dumbly, “You don’t want coffee?”

Jensen doesn’t answer him. Just walks out.

X

For the next few days, when Jensen gets mail, Jared simply slides it under his door, not disturbing him.

X

So this, thing, goes on for almost a week, neither of them leaving the house nor even making contact. And Jared’s had enough.

He picks open the lock on Jensen’s door (Years of working on Supernatural have paid off) and barges in. Jensen’s wrapped in his sheets, asleep. He has a bottle of beer curled loosely in his fist and tear marks are visible on his face. Jared frowns.

He plucks the empty bottle from Jensen’s hand, putting it on his dresser. He kneels beside Jensen’s bed and whispers, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He looks around and sees a letter on the floor. It’s probably wrong to snoop but Jared can’t bring himself to care.

It’s horrible, to say the least. Jared wants to wake Jensen up and hold him against his chest. Wants to tell him it’s okay to cry and scream and be broken.

Jensen’s sleep-groggy voice says, “Put it down.” Jared drops the letter instantly, startled by the sudden break of silence. He turns in his bed and rubs at his temples, “Who the hell gave you permission to come in here and look through my stuff?”

“Jensen—”

“Just get out.”

But Jared doesn’t. He just sits there, and the moment he hears Jensen start sobbing, he invades his personal space, crawling under the covers with him and rubbing his back. Jensen surrenders, crying into the crook of Jared’s neck, his body convulsing in his arms. “It’s okay, Jen.” He cards his fingers through Jensen’s hair, “You don’t deserve this.”

Jensen mumbles, “We’re all falling apart, Jared. It’s like I don’t have a family anymore. They’re all leaving.”

“I won’t leave you.”

Jensen just cries harder, fisting his hands in Jared’s shirt. He doesn’t need to answer. He doesn’t even need to speak. He’s just glad Jared’s here. He didn’t think he needed him. But he does. Jensen starts, “I’m s—”

Jared shushes him and says, “Don’t you apologize to me. Don’t you dare, Jensen.”

Jensen keeps his mouth shut, his crying starting to calm down. He’s dizzy and sleepy and he has the biggest headache (Hangover?) ever. And Jared’s warm and comfortable and like a security blanket.

Jared kisses Jensen’s forehead, “Get some rest. Real rest.”

Jensen doesn’t want to—tries to resist it—but crying drains his energy. He doesn’t even know how long it takes him to fall asleep.

X

Jared’s gonna fix him. He’s going to put every piece of Jensen back together one by one. He’s going to make sure everything is okay.

He gets rid of all the alcohol in the house, not wanting Jensen to drink himself to death. He hasn’t seen Jensen leave the house, so when Jared goes to get the mail, he doesn’t expect to see Jensen on the porch. And he definitely doesn’t expect Jensen to be doing what he’s doing. “You stopped smoking years ago.”

Jensen removes the cigarette from his lips, “I know. I just—I need it. Old habits die hard. Saw them at the store and... I’m sorry, Jared.”

Jared frowns and doesn’t get the mail, just sits next to Jensen on the front steps and wraps an arm around his shoulders. “How’re you doing?”

It’s silent for a moment as Jensen shrugs and lets out a rush of smoke, “Better, I guess.”

Jared reaches up and wipes an eyelash from Jensen’s cheek, taking note of how he leans into the touch like he’s been deprived of affection his entire life. He keeps his hand there, leaning forward and pressing their lips together.

They’ve only really kissed once. They were both drunk and at a party. Mike and Tom egged them on and Jared laughed, pulling Jensen in.

So, this? Yeah, this is different. Better. Way better.

Jensen drops his cigarette, crushing it under his shoe as he claws at Jared’s shirt, kissing back roughly. “Tell me you don’t feel the same way.”

Jared shakes his head, “I can’t tell you that.” Especially since it’s not true.

He thinks of what happened before and says, “Jared, I’m not some experiment so you can see if you’re gay or not.”

“I know.” Jared doesn’t care if Jensen’s a guy; he wants him as a person. He tells Jensen this and Jensen smiles sadly, leaning over and placing his head on Jared’s shoulder. Jared smoothes his hand down his back, “I’ll help you get through this.”

Jensen stares out at the road, “They didn’t even tell me about the funeral. For my grandmother.”

“I’m sorry.” He hugs Jensen tightly, “Let’s go inside, okay?”

X

It’s five days later when Jensen completely loses it in front of Jared, tears streaming down his face, “Please, Jared.”

“What do you want, Jen?”

“Something.” He lowers his voice and says, “You.” Anything to call his own.

Jensen looks small, vulnerable and shattered. Jared wipes Jensen’s tears away and says, “I’m yours, okay? Come here.”

Jensen moves closer and buries his face against Jared’s chest, “You need to know—”

“I do know, Jensen.” He’s known Jensen for so long. He can’t let him be ripped apart by strangers anymore. Can’t sit by and watch. Jensen’s the exact opposite of emotionally stable and Jared doesn’t want to see people take advantage of him.

Jared sits and pulls him down. They lie on the couch together, simply breathing. Jensen’s arms are wrapped around Jared, his body warming his chest. He’s shaking and Jared tries to calm him, “I’ve got you, Jen.”

X

It’s two days after that when Jensen’s walking around the house in his boxers that Jared sees them. The marks.

“Jensen.” His eyes are fixated on Jensen’s scars, wondering how this could have happened. How he had no idea. Jensen tries to push his boxers down a bit to cover up but he can’t. They’re all over his thighs. Jensen opens his mouth to come up with an excuse but he’s unable to think of anything that would make sense. There’s no other explanation except for the truth.

Jared gets up, cups Jensen’s face in his hands and kisses him, pushing him back down onto the couch. He notices the way Jensen goes limp under him, completely compliant. “God, Jensen. I’ll help you.”

Jensen opens his mouth and gasps when Jared grinds down against him, “Shit.”

Jared reaches into his boxers and curls his hand around Jensen’s cock, precome sliding down over his fist. Jensen grips the couch, tilting his head back. Jared mouths at his neck, noticing how Jensen’s breath hitches. He nips at his soft skin, and Jensen lets out a loud moan.

“Please.” He swallows hard and exposes his neck even more, breathing raggedly, repeating, “Please.”

Jared reaches up and gently wraps his hand around Jensen’s neck, squeezing slightly. He feels Jensen’s cock twitch and he presses down harder. Jensen arches up and gasps for air, delicious sounds spilling from his lips.

Jared speeds up the pace of his hand, giving Jensen a moment to breathe before pushing his fingers into his skin. Jensen writhes and lets out a choked moan, coming over Jared’s hand.

Jared looks at the red marks from his fingers on Jensen’s neck, wondering if there’ll be bruises. “You okay?”

Jensen nods and eagerly unzips Jared’s pants, jerking him off quickly. He twists his wrist on the upstroke and Jared’s hips snap forward, his eyes falling shut.

“Come on, Jared.” He rubs Jared’s thigh with his free hand, glancing up at him. Jared’s breath catches and he digs his nails into the sofa, coming hard. They both stay there for a moment, trying to regulate their breathing.

Jared traces Jensen’s scars, light touches along his thighs, “You’re so beautiful.” Jensen shakes his head and Jared nods, “Yes you are.” He kisses Jensen, feeling his soft lips curl up into a smile.

“Thank you.” Jensen yawns, sleepy.

Jared picks him up effortlessly and suddenly realizes how much weight Jensen has lost. He takes Jensen to his room and they sleep on the same pillow, legs tangled together.

X

Jared doesn’t know why he has this mad compulsion to keep Jensen safe and to take care of him. But he doesn’t have any time to try and figure it out.

They start filming again and Jensen has a break down on the third day they’re back. Jared just runs after him to his trailer, “Jensen! Wait!” He tries to run faster and pushes the door open, getting into the trailer before Jensen can lock it. “What the hell happened back there?”

Jensen’s hands are gripping the counter like his life depends on it, his knuckles turning white. “I can’t, Jared.”

“You can’t what? Talk to me, Jensen, please.”

“I can’t pretend that everything is fine! That what we have is fine! Because it’s not, Jared. It’s just not. It’s unhealthy and sickening and maddening and I don’t know what I’m doing!”

Jared’s voice softens, “Hey. It’s okay. You don’t have to know what you’re doing, because I’m just trying to figure it out as we go along. But if you want to stop what we have then just say so.”

He takes a deep breath and rubs his eyes, “I don’t want to stop it. I just—you make me feel things. And I get scared. I’m so scared.”

Jared’s arms find their way around Jensen’s waist, “We’ll be fine. You’re doing so well, Jensen.”

“I am?”

“Yeah. Of course, Jen.” Jared kisses his shoulder, “I know what you need.” Jensen hangs his head and Jared says, “It’s alright. Shh.”

“Thank you.” Jensen turns in Jared’s grip, reaching up and hooking his hands around his neck.

It’s that exact moment when everything clicks, _really_ clicks in Jared’s head.

X

Jensen shuts the door and turns on the light, jumping when he sees Jared just standing there in a pair of boxers. “Jared?”

“Be quiet and turn around. Hands behind your back.” Jensen’s heartbeat speeds up as he complies. He shuts his eyes when he feels Jared’s warm breath on the back of his neck. “Don’t worry.” He sees the tension in Jensen’s body dissolve, “Take off your shirt.”

Jensen does, tossing his shirt to the floor and assuming the previous position.

“Have you done this before?” Jensen nods and Jared hesitates before asking, “Was it good for you?” Another nod.

Jared runs his hands down his chest, grabbing his belt and unbuckling it. “Step out of your shoes, Jenny.” He pushes Jensen’s pants down, “Pants, too.”

When Jensen’s completely rid of his clothes, Jared places a cloth over his eyes, leading him to the bedroom.

He smiles down at Jensen, even though he can’t see it. He’s seriously breathtaking, all spread out like this. Jared can see all of his freckles and scars and doesn’t want anyone else in the entire world. “It took me a while to realize what it was. But you know what, Jen? I think I’ve got it.” The corners of Jensen’s lips tilt upwards and Jared presses their mouths together, “I just want to show you how beautiful I think you are.”

Jensen can hear something click, like a bottle opening and his suspicion is confirmed when Jared slides a finger into him. Jared’s lips ghost over his chest, his ribs, his stomach. For a moment, Jensen wonders if Jared can hear his heart beating. “I love you, okay? Just remember that.”

Jensen lets out a laugh, and Jared can hear the relief, “Fuck, I love you, too.”

Jared leans up and pulls off the makeshift blindfold only to be greeted by Jensen’s shining eyes, bright green and full of emotion.

Jared adds another finger and stretches him open slowly, slicking him up. He makes sure it’s enough and shifts, pushing inside of Jensen.

Jensen arches his back for him, reaching down to stroke himself. He stretches his other arm out and places it on Jared’s bicep, staring up at him lovingly, “Thank you.”

Jared lets out a rush of breath and runs his fingers over Jensen’s jaw, his stubble a little scratchy. “God. You’re perfect. I’m gonna help you realize that, Jen.”

Jensen blushes and looks down at himself, wondering how Jared even think that, but he doesn’t say anything. Jared slides the tips of his fingers along his scars, dark from being so deep. Jensen shudders and says, “I’m glad you’re here.” His smile is sincere and Jared returns the expression.

All of Jensen’s walls are down. He’s weak and it should be scary. But for some reason, it’s not. There’s nowhere in the world that Jensen would rather be and he’s happy. He’s so fucking happy.

Jared whispers against Jensen’s ear, words mixed with his panting. They’re dirty yet romantic and no one would ever be able to believe that words like these come out of Jared’s mouth. “All for you, Jen.”

Jensen can feel every inch of Jared in him, sliding in and out at a fast pace. His cock brushes over his prostate and Jensen bites his lip to muffle his whimper.

“You don’t have to be quiet. It’s just us.”

Jensen can’t respond, too far gone to think of anything other than _please_. He’s close and in between his panting, he manages to let Jared know.

“Yeah? Let go for me, Jensen.”

Jensen comes with a groan, falling apart in Jared’s hands. He barely registers when Jared releases, pulling out, come dripping from where he was. And it’s kind of disgusting, but Jensen doesn’t really care. _Jared_ did that.

Jensen glances over at Jared, scooting over to press his face against his chest. Jared’s arms wrap around him and Jensen relaxes.

Jared doesn’t want him to leave. He’s allowed to be here. This is right, isn’t it?

X

When Jensen wanders off into the living room, Jared’s sitting on the couch. “Hey.” Jared lifts up a plate, “Cookies?”

Jensen notices that some of the edges of the cookies are burnt, and he just raises an eyebrow and takes one, “You made these all by yourself?” He takes a bite and the cookie’s still warm, the chocolate gooey in his mouth.

Jared grins and nods, “Yeah, while you were sleeping. Do you like it?”

Jensen makes a noise of approval and takes another, stealing Jared’s glass of milk and downing it in one go.

Jared just ruffles his hair and throws cookies to Harley and Sadie, settling back against the couch. He lets his arm rest on Jensen’s shoulder, using his other hand to eat.

Jensen looks down, shifting uncomfortably Jared notices and frowns.

“What?”

“You’re—I mean. What we have is okay, right?”

“Of course, Jen.”

Jensen fiddles with his thumbs and says, “It’s not like, out of pity, is it?”

Jared looks offended, but still maintains his calm. “If it was out of pity, do you think I would have kept this up for so long? Do you think I would have told you that I love you?”

“No. I guess not.”

Jared sighs and kisses Jensen’s cheek, “Just let me have you.”

“Yeah.” Jensen curls his hand around the back of Jared’s neck, “You’ve got me.”

X

“Jensen.” Jared’s voice is soft, but demanding. Jensen walks over to him when no one’s looking and Jared pulls him into a darker corner of the set, “Why do you keep messing up your lines?”

He looks genuinely concerned and Jensen shrugs, “Just a little stressed.”

“Try to focus, okay? I’m here if you need me.” Jensen nods and Jared kisses him briefly, “I think they’re looking for you, _Dean_.”

Jensen hardly messes up for the rest of the day.

X

Jensen likes sleeping in the same bed as Jared, curled up against him with Jared’s strong arms around him. He had almost forgotten how lonely it was to sleep alone. Jared keeps him warm at night, heat radiating off of him.

Tonight, Jared’s front is pressed to Jensen’s back as he nips at his neck, placing his lips to Jensen’s ear. “Jen?”

“What?”

“I want to get you help. Like a therapist or something. I want you to be okay.” Jensen shuts his eyes and sighs. Jared pauses for a moment, then continues, “Please, Jensen. We can do some of it on our own, but not all of it.” He sounds like he’s on the verge of crying, his breath coming out unevenly.

If Jensen says no, he’ll probably let Jared down and make him upset. “Yeah. Fine.” Jensen says, “Just promise me you’ll be there when I talk to the shrink. Don’t leave.”

“Of course. I’ll try to find the best one I can.” He kisses the nape of Jensen’s neck and tightens his hold on him, sinking into the pillows. He whispers, “I love you,” reminding him.

“I love you, too.” Jensen smiles at the darkness and settles back against Jared, trying to fall asleep.

X

Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t take Jared long to find a therapist and Jensen has to admit, she’s extremely nice.

Though after their first meeting, Jensen feels a little awkward. His only thoughts are about how he just spilled out all of his issues to someone he just met. From the letter (“It was like everything just crumbled down at once. It was wearing away for a while, but then it was just ruined,”) to the rejection (“I was upset, yeah. But I think I was more angry with myself, for thinking I had a chance,”) to the sex (“It was—liberating, almost. Jared... He knows how to make people happy. And he tries so hard to make sure everything is okay. He really does.”) All of it. And Jared heard every word.

Jared doesn’t talk about it on the drive home, but Jensen can tell that he wants to by the way he practically chews on his lower lip. “You can talk to me about it, if you want.”

Jared glances at him and takes one hand off the steering wheel to grip Jensen’s hand, “I just didn’t know you felt that way. About everything. And for the longest time.”

“Sometimes you can hide it when your life is busy.” Jensen runs his thumb over Jared’s knuckles, “I meant what I said about you.”

“I know. It means a lot. That I can make you happy.”

 _A light at the end of the tunnel_ , Jensen thinks. “I’m glad I have you.”

“Yeah?”

Jensen nods and Jared grins, all dimples and bright teeth. Jensen just sits back and stares out the window, looking at all of the shapes the clouds make.


End file.
